Dark Reel (2007)

 

The Plot: When a strung out looking B-movie fan Adam Waltz (Edward Furlong) wins a walk-on role in a low-budget pirate flick starring scream queen Cassie Blue (Tiffany Shepis), his ticket to fame suddenly becomes a ticket to terror when the chaotic set becomes the scene of a real-life murder. Lance Henriksen and Rena Riffel co-star in this Josh Eisenstadt-helmed tale based on the fictional unpublicized crime scene footage of the 1958 murder of actress Scarlett May.

 

The music didn’t seem to fit the movie. It didn’t feel right during the black and white flashback scene in the beginning, which was subtle but very modern for a scene that is supposed to be set in the 50’s. The rock band playing in the club scene was borderline unbearable and the rest of the film had some random incoherent drone tones that made little to no sense.

 

The cinematography was kind of shabby. In the flashback scene they tried and failed to make the film look grainy and old. It came off looking like modern film that was shopped to appear old, but you could see right through that trick. The editing didn’t streamline the cuts together seamlessly enough so the acting and special effects suffered with awkward pauses and fake looking props.

 

The acting ranged from standard to utter shite. Some of the lines sounded way to forced, and gave the movie a lame feel overall. The two cops, one of them played by Tony Todd, had some of the worst lines in the movie. They made it feel as if they were over acting on purpose, which is a concept that I cannot grasp at all. Some of this was directly affected by some seriously piss poor writing.

 

The effects looked very bush league. From plastic limbs to watery blood, if the editing was better it could have created a better illusion then that. The ghost effects used looked so terrible I’m convinced they would have looked better if this were a Sci-Fi Original Picture.

 

Overall I’m not sure what to think about a B movie that is trying to make fun of how bad B movies are. A majority of the characters were annoying, Furlong looks like he should be checked into a methadone clinic, and it failed to scare in general. The entire timeline of the story was fucked and did not fit at all. The bottom line is they could have made a much better film with some rewrites, proper editing, and some good old fashion elbow grease.

 

1 Out of 5 Crom’s

Let the Right One In A.K.A: Låt Den Rätte Komma In (2008)

 

The Plot: Twelve-year-old Oskar (Kåre Hedebrant), the constant target of bullies due to his extreme awkwardness, spends his time plotting revenge and collecting news items about the grisly murders plaguing his town. Things change for Oskar when he meets Eli (Lina Leandersson). This filthy looking girl befriends Oskar, and he soon finds out that she’s actually a fucking vampire. As a serial killer continues to prey on teenage boys in the small village outside Stockholm, Sweden, Eli helps Oskar find the courage to stand up to his tormenters.

 

The music was mood setting…and that mood was depression. It set the tone for the down mood that the main character was feeling during most of the film. I enjoyed this cause in a way it changed my views to that of the characters even more.

 

The cinematography was done really well in my opinion. There was a grainy feel to the film and the setting was very somber. This gave the movie a similar feel as “The Shining” which I loved. All the shots were steady and clear, this is something that’s hard to find these days. I’m sick of this music video bullshit in most horror flicks where the camera shakes like crazy and you can’t see shit.

 

The acting was superior for a horror movie. Both Kåre and Lina play there roles flawlessly. They make this unreal situation believable and just draw you in as the plot progresses. Their chemistry is so good that even when the movie is slow at parts in the first half, you cant help but want to find out what’s gonna happen next.

 

The effects were top shelf for sure. This movie has numerous effects that are all amazing. One of the best effects in the movie, in my opinion explains something that I have always wondered about in regards to the vampire mythos, but I have never seen described on film. What happens if a vampire enters a home without permission? I can’t give it away and tell you what does actually happen according to the filmmaker, but it’s defiantly worth the watch…trust me.

Overall this was an excellent movie. There was a scene that was very disturbing and almost unnecessary in the film, which is explained in detail in the novel. I suggest reading up on it after watching the film so that you can tie everything up and not spoil the film. Other then that, the first half of this movie has a slow, plodding pace. I was thinking of giving it 3 Crom’s at the halfway point. Then, after watching the ending it earned the 4^th Crom hands down.

 

4 Out of 5 Crom’s

Feast III: The Happy Finish (2009)

 

The Plot: As the flesh-eating beasts continue to rape and pillage what’s left of humanity, embattled survivors Biker Queen, Bartender and Lightning and others do their best to stay off the menu in this third installment of the gory and at times, way to campy Feast franchise. But a new hope dawns when our heroes meet a karate fighter with a taste for knives and a man who seems to know how to contain the blood thirsty fuckers. Craig Henningsen and Juan Longoria García star.

 

The music was much of the same as the previous two movies; Action/Horror music that’s played throughout the movie to enhance the viewer’s emotions during fight or chase scenes. The only key difference was a part with blasting techno music that made little sense overall. It was ok, but nothing great.

 

The cinematography was defiantly better then the 2^nd film. It didn’t show too much, so a lot of imperfections with the creature’s costumes were kept hidden. The shots were done well for the most part, but a handful of the scenes were filmed like shit. In one part, they are in a sewer tunnel system and there’s annoying off-beat strobe lights going on and off that just look like hell.

The acting in this film was obviously not Oscar worthy, but it did have some classic over acting that reminded me of “Evil Dead 2” at times. The Bartender, played by Clu Gulager is one of the main characters that was in all 3 movies. He defiantly makes this trilogy more enjoyable with his overacting and campy one-liners. As far as my best acting award for two minimal speaking roles…they have to go to Tit and Tat, the two biker girls that walk around for half of the movie topless…I like their style.

 

The effects were filled with gore that sometimes bordered on extreme corniness. The blood did flow freely all throughout this film which was fun to watch. But sometimes they just got a little too fucking silly with some of the scenes that played out. Also, there were some really bad fuck ups with how things work that they just seemed to ignore to make their scene play out. They should have stuck with extreme gore, and let the comedy play out naturally instead of using so many site gags.

Overall this was a decent horror movie. It wasn’t as good as the first movie, but better then the second. So with that said it kinda fell right in the middle of the road. It could have been so much better if they didn’t lay the cheese on so thick. In my book it just lost so many points because of that, even the topless twins couldn’t bring it over the top.

 

2 ½ Out of 5 Crom’s

Zack and Miri Make a Porno (2008)

 

The Plot: Zack (Seth Rogen) and Miri (Elizabeth Banks) have been platonic friends for 20 plus years. When they both find themselves in financial hot water, they hit upon the idea of making an adult film to bring in some easy money. But when “action” is called, these two friends discover that unspoken feelings for each other may threaten the whole enterprise. Writer-director Kevin Smith helms this comic look at the line between friendship and romance.

 

The music was a bizarre blend of songs from the 80’s and 90’s. I did really like the fact that they had the Primus song “Wynona’s got a beaver”. The rest of the music…as you might have guessed, classic 70’s porn music. It was a decent blend that kept with the feel of the movie.

 

The cinematography was standard. Nothing special over all, just good steady camera work that let the actors and scenes drive the movie along. The editing for the most part was good, but there were some fuck ups in the deliveries of some punch lines in the beginning. Because of this a handful of jokes sounded too forced.

The acting was very well done. For this type of comedy, most of the characters become interesting because of the humorous lines that they say. Everyone in this movie has that ability to pull off punch lines without even flinching, although, some of these lines were so over the top that the reactions to them were almost not believable.

 

Overall this movie is typical Kevin Smith fare…the first half of the movie is funny as fuck, and then the second half becomes all serious and kinda lame. I wish it could be just a little funny even through the dramatic parts but Smith seems to be incapable of doing this. Aside from that, I did enjoy this movie over all and would suggest it to the newer generation. Make sure to wait through the credits, about half way through there’s an extra scene that is really funny.

 

3 Out of 5 Crom’s

Taken (2008)

The Plot: While vacationing with a slutty friend in Paris, an American girl (Maggie Grace) is kidnapped by a gang of Albanian human traffickers intent on selling her into the sex trade. Now, her father, Bryan (Liam Neeson), a former soldier and extreme bad ass motherfucker must go to work on France with a pair of pliers and a blow torch to save her. With his best years possibly behind him, you would think that Bryan’s task may be more than he can handle, if so your dead wrong. Directed by Pierre Morel, this relentless action thriller also stars Famke Janssen.

The music was well done. There is some touching piano music in the beginning and then throughout the movie compelling the audience to share the emotion of a father whose daughter was taken. Random music that people play within the movie pops up here and there. Mainly the score consists of pulsating sounds that spike during high tension moments, and then during action scenes it changes to a fast paced orchestra score.

The cinematography was enjoyable to watch. Made me think I was watching a John Woo film. Great action shots and editing make the gun play and hand to hand combat look realistic by cutting the scenes just enough. The car chase scene was really choppy. I know that they were trying to make the audience feel distressed but the edits were way to quick to really enjoy it.

The acting was very believable and crisp. Famke played the perfect bitchy ex-wife, and Maggie Grace is a pro at crying and playing a younger girl. Of course Liam steals the show in this movie. I might be a little bias because I’m a huge Liam Neeson fan, but he does play the role so calmly that you can’t help but believe that he is actually capable of the things that he does.

The effects were pretty sick. They had your classic neck breaking, head slamming, shootings that we all love in our action movies. To compare them with effects in another movie, I would have to lean towards the Bourne series. This movie does feature one of the sickest tortures I have seen in a non-horror film in quite some time, if ever. I do not want to give it away…but you should check it out…I’m telling you.

Overall I really enjoyed this movie for what it was, a action/revenge movie with a decent budget. I’m sure there was a lot cut out of this since they kind of skip parts of him tracking down the kidnappers, but I was able to overlook that. I would suggest this film to any action fan…and especially anyone that has a daughter of there own. I don’t but ill tell you, I still took what this guy was doing personal.

4 Out of 5 Crom’s

The Enforcer (1995) (A.K.A: My Father Is a Hero / Gei ba ba de xin)

The Plot: Jet Li goes deep undercover as a tough Beijing cop trying to put the kibosh on a Hong Kong crime syndicate. Even his son and terminally ill wife don’t know he’s an operative (now that’s dedication!). Li is in deep shit as he kung fu’s the shit out of one badass villain after another in this typical martial arts action film that was shelved for 5 years before being released in 1995.

The music was typical for this type of film. With a musical score that was driven by the action happening on the screen. Some of the more dramatic parts with dialog sounded like the music was taken from a really bad 80’s horror movie. It was nothing that I would put on my ipod, but decent for the film I guess.

The cinematography was your average ordinary action movie standard. Parts of the editing got a little lame during some fight scenes. They showed the occasional faults in the action were you could see punches and kicks that did not even appear to connect with the target.

The acting was OK, but nothing special. It’s very hard to tell the actual acting quality when watching any kind of dubbed movie. I do have to say that some of the voice over acting was way too dramatic and goofy to be considered believable.

The effects were well done considering the budget. They showed a great display of martial arts throughout the film. There was one silly scene were Jet was carrying around a guy in a burlap sack that looked totally fake, but that was minor. One of the fucked, most unexpected parts, was when the mob boss shoves a little kids head through a glass table…FTW?! In the dubbed version some of the sound effects didn’t match up with the action on screen. I can understand the lips moving at different times but not everything else like gun fire and other things.

Overall the story kinda reminded me of Supercop, but instead of just a girlfriend, Jet Li has a family to think about when he’s undercover. The story line takes one too many flip flopping changes for my taste. That, combine with a mob boss that knows every detail and has ridiculous backup plans (Like ninja thugs disguised as black garbage bags, hiding next to a dumpster). All in all, this movie should be watched mainly for the kung fu, which it lacked even in that dept.

2 ½ Out of 5 Crom’s

Vicky Cristina Barcelona (2008)

The Plot: Javier Bardem stars in the latest effort from legendary filmmaker Woody Allen as a flamboyant painter who works himself in the middle of a unique relationship with Vicky (Rebecca Hall) and Christina (Scarlett Johansson), a pair of American tourists. Penélope Cruz (with an Oscar nod) also stars as Bardem’s insanely jealous crazy ass ex-wife, Maria Elena, in this quirky romantic dramedy (winner of a Best Comedy Golden Globe) set in Barcelona.

The music is very easy on the ears. There is smooth Spanish guitar played sporadically throughout the film, as well as a recurring upbeat theme song that sounds like Spanish lounge. I’d have to say if I saw the album I might just pick it up as an impulse buy.

The cinematography was very conversational at parts…panning back and forth, up and down as if the camera was attached to your shoulders. Mostly hand held shots; it was a very nice effect that made the viewing more entertaining then the norm.

The acting with this type of cast, you expect nothing less then greatness, and you get it. At times you can almost hear Woody Allen’s style of speech being projected through some of the actors…particularly Rebecca Hall. An unseen man does a pretty good voice over that tie the scenes together as the movie goes on which was good for continuity.

Overall The movie starts out very well. Funny, witty and intriguing, this makes you want to keep watching to find out what’s next. It does get a little bland towards the middle, and then just kinda dies off at the end in my opinion. I have to say that the acting was the main drive for this movie that kept it afloat.

3 Out of 5 Crom’s

Soul Men (2008)

 

The Plot: Two decades ago, Louis (Samuel L. Jackson) and Floyd (Bernie Mac) went their separate ways when their band broke up. When their group’s former front man dies, the two feuding singers agree to put aside their differences for a tribute concert at the Apollo. The show promises to be a big hit … if Louis and Floyd don’t kill each other’s ass on the trip there. Jennifer Coolidge and Sean Hayes co-star in director Malcolm D. Lee‘s sporadically funny road comedy.

 

The music is excellent if you are down with soul, and R&B. I personally love the shit so it got my head bobbin in a lot of scenes throughout the movie. At first I didn’t think that Bernie and Samuel had the chops to pull it off convincingly, but as the movie progressed, so did there singing.

 

The cinematography was your standard for a comedy like this. Nothing special, but since it did have a good budget, at least the quality was good.

 

The acting was decent. Bernie and Samuel had some pretty good chemistry together. They worked off each other well. Some of there arguing scenes were suppose to be funny but came off as just two older gentlemen yelling at one another…not very funny.

 

The effects were non-existent. This is a comedy and there was really no need for any type of effects during it, unless you consider a scene were Bernie is getting worked over in bed by an older chick with huge implants.

 

Overall this was an OK movie. There’s a lot of slap stick physical comedy used which might give you a chuckle, but it’s not hilarious. Most of the really funny parts are scattered throughout the film, so don’t expect an all out laugh riot. I can really see the older crowd enjoying this movie, and getting a kick out of it more then a younger audience would.

 

2 ½ Out of 5 Crom’s

Pulse 3: Invasion (2008)

 

The Plot: Ever since evil spirits invaded the world through electronic devices years earlier, humans have settled into ghetto refugee camps where technology is forbidden. But everything changes when 17-year-old dumb-ass Justine (Brittany Renee Finamore) discovers a laptop computer. (Let’s just ignore the fact that there isn’t any type of WIFI or satellite available, how convenient.) She starts chatting with a mysterious man who lives in the city that most humans abandoned. Will her curiosity lead her to a new and better life — or to more unspeakable horrors? I’m gonna lean towards the latter of the two.

 

The music is the same crap that was used in Pulse 2: A rumbling, incoherent bass that was rhythmically pumped in though the movie to spark some type of emotion in the viewer. Personally this got a little annoying, especially if you have a good sound system. The best music during this shitter happened to be guy playing blues on a 1 string guitar…that’s just to give you an idea about how bad the other music was.

 

The cinematography once again, just like Pulse 2, sucked. Almost every shot appeared as if they CGI’ed something within it. Most of the time, this was just the background which gave it that cheap blue screen effect around the characters.

 

The acting The voice over’s during the internet chat scenes were so fucking creepy…and not in a cool horror way, more of an internet predator kinda way. Apparently they were trying to make it sincere but it was just uncomfortable instead. Just like the 2^nd Pulse, The acting seems so forced that I couldn’t even try to relate to the characters.

 

The effects, as I have said before were boring much like everything else in this film. The only decent scene was a ghost shotgun suicide that I was straining to like because nothing else in this film was any good. All of the computerized screen images of the ghosts were so over used that you quickly became numb to them.

 

Overall there are so many fucking plot holes in this movie, it’s hard to watch. The girl (who is supposed to be the grown daughter from the 2^nd movie) is the dumbest bitch eva. Every single thing that she does throughout this movie has absolutely no relevance to the overall outcome. This combined with it being an overall horrible movie makes it just a waste of approximately 91 mins of my life.

 

1 Out of 5 Crom’s

Pulse 2: Afterlife (2008)

 

The Plot: In 2006’s Pulse, technology unwittingly opened the door to the afterlife, Bringing spirits into society via cell phones and internet. This lame ass sequel explores the aftermath of that encounter through a ton of flashbacks that are certain to confuse and annoy the shit out of you. As civilization struggles against spirits locked in an eternal battle for their own souls. With cell phones, the Internet and other devices outlawed, humanity must find a new way to live in a not so barren world ruled by tormented ghosts. Jamie Bamber, Boti Bliss and Noureen DeWulf star in this complete shitter.

 

The music was just rumbling, incoherent bass that was rhythmically pumped in though the movie to spark some type of emotion in the viewer. Personally this got a little annoying, especially if you have a good sound system. If there wasn’t annoying music playing then there was just no music at all, and the other elements of this movie just couldn’t hold it together without it.

 

The cinematography looked pretty lame to me. For almost every shot it appeared as if they CGI’ed something within it. Most of the time, this was just the background which gave it that cheap blue screen effect…just another annoying feature to this forgettable shitter.

 

The acting was forced and almost unwatchable. There was no chemistry between the characters, and you can certainly forget about caring about any of them. It was so bad that at points that I could swear some of the actors were reading off Teleprompters.

 

The effects were awesome… for a CGI studio that pays their employees minimum wage. Like I already talked about how most of the backgrounds are blue screened. You can see imperfections where the characters outlines meet with the back grounds. Vivid colors, but still lame overall. Typical bullshit effects were black veins travel through the person’s body rendering them infected. I will say that one snapped leg scene was decent looking, but it’s buried in a ton of lame effects so that’s just not good enough.

 

Overall I’m not sure what they were thinking about making a sequel to Pulse. To understand anything going on in this movie you had to have watched the first movie, and even then your lost cause the scenes and dialog are all over the place. Basically this movie was like a poor mans “The Happening” if you could imagine how bad that would be.

 

1 ½ Out of 5 Crom’s