The Slammin’ Salmon 2009

The Plot:  Slammin’ Cleon Salmon (Michael Clarke Duncan), the former Heavyweight Champion of the world and current owner of a high-scale Miami restaurant, has racked up a sizable gambling debt to a band of Japanese thugs. To help pay off the debt, Cleon challenges his oddball wait staff (the Broken Lizard Comedy Troupe, as well as Cobie Smulders and April Bowlby) to a contest where the top-selling server will win $10,000, while the waiter in last place gets a “broken-rib sandwich” – courtesy of the champion himself. Spurred on by greed and panic, the staff resort to backstabbing, bribery and indecent proposals in an attempt to up sell their patrons while simultaneously sabotaging their coworkers. Will Forte, Olivia Munn, and Vivica A. Fox co-star.

Overall: Let me first start off by saying, if you are a fan of Broken Lizard then this is definitely for you. I will put it on par with Super Troopers and Beerfest. It has a good blend of quirky humor as well as slap stick comedy much like the previous films this troupe has brought us. This film marks the debut of Kevin Heffernan behind the camera (all previous films being directed by Jay Chandrasekhar). He adds a little pizzaz to the film as apparent by the opening credits, and seen in the ballet/dance sequence. But he holds true to form for what we expect from Broken Lizard. The story stays quick paced and at 98 minutes it doesn’t run long. Their movies are usually made more memorable by the supporting casts around the troupe (ala Brian Cox and Bill Paxton) and again they have found a spark in Michael Clarke Duncan, playing a hybrid between a lovable George Foreman and an irrational Mike Tyson, former boxing heavyweight champ. He incites the competition between the wait staff because of a debt he owes to the Yakuza. Other cameos by Lance Henriksen, Morgan Fairchild and Vivica A. Fox make for some memorable scenes.

The cast itself each play their usual parts, led by Heffernan as the manager of the restaurant he tries to lead his wait staff to higher earning by upping the price of the competition. He plays this role very straight which works for him (as well as when he plays over the top). Steve Lemme plays a former TV actor who is fired and has to go back to working tables. Erik Stolhanske plays a self-absorbed pretty boy called Guy ‘Meatdrapes’ (as M.C.D. likes to call him). Paul Soter does double duty playing the Dave the chef and his twin brother Donnie (a bumbling bus boy). Jay Chandrasekhar steals a lot of scenes as nuts, a very straight-laced man who forgets to take his medication and becomes Mongo. The staff is rounded out by Cobie Smulders and April Bowlby who add a lot of jokes and sex things up a bit.

The cinematography is pretty standard, the movie isn’t over the top in any way so each shot is done well and works for the effect that’s needed. As i said earlier Heffernan has a little more style on his shots than in previous movies and this is self admitted by Chandrasekhar in the commentary. The film is done entirely in one location (the restaurant) but moves from the dining area, to the back rooms to Cleon’s magnificent office. The music isn’t that memorable and just serves the scenes as needed. The DVD also features 2 sets of commentary by the troupe and a featurette Hellish Kitchen: Art Imitates Restaurant Life. This movie was inspired by the real life experiences of some of the cast which makes it feel realer. I have not worked in the service industry but i can tell that where they pulled some of their inside jokes. This movie will probably be enjoyed by those who have worked in the industry. (And is a hell of a lot funnier than that Ryan Reynold’s shitter Waiting (to be entertained).

This movie is rude and crude and holds a lot of laughs. If you are into that kind of humor and a fan of Broken Lizard you will not be disappointed.  This movie didn’t get a big release in theaters so I’m sure a lot of you are waiting for it to come out on DVD. This movie definitely has re watch ability so it is worth picking up on.

4 out of 5 Mr. Burton’s

Breaking Point (2009)

The Plot: While struggling to return to a normal life after succumbing to drug addiction and dealing with a family tragedy that is hinted at but never really explained until you couldn’t give a shit.., prominent attorney Steven Luisi (Tom Berenger) takes on a high-profile murder case and soon finds himself forced to deal with his past bullshit. With the help of an ex-athlete and gang member (Sticky Fingaz), Luisi faces both police department corruption and his brutal former drug dealer (Busta Rhymes) in this shitter.

The music was not really noticeable due to horrible writing, editing, and acting. I would like to point out that if this same music was used in another movie that it would most likely be good.

The cinematography was ok for the most part. Good film was used as well as some nice dissolves. The camera work was not a part of this movies problem. Kudos to the cameraman and his crew.

The acting was much like a bad day time soap opera. Forced lines, flat emotion…the list goes on. To be honest I think Sticky Fingaz was the most believable character in the whole picture. Its really upsetting to me, I’m a big Tom Berenger fan, but I have no idea what happened to him over the years.

The effects were few and far between, and when they were used, they were the worst Sci-Fi Original CGI’ed gunshot wounds that I have ever seen. Directors: please do not do this in the future!!! It looks so bad it ruins the whole scene.

Overall this film was a big disappointment. I would not waste your time with it. If you’re looking for some good police/court dramas, standard TV has plenty that are better then this. What’s worse then a poorly written big budget courtroom drama?…A poorly written low budget courtroom drama. Avoid

 1 Out of 5 Crom’s

The Lost Symbol – Dan Brown

Summary:

New York NY (July 7, 2009) 8:10 EST–Following much speculation about the content of the eagerly awaited new novel from phenomenal bestselling author Dan Brown, Doubleday today released the North American jacket of The Lost Symbol which will be published on September 15th.

For the first time, fans worldwide will discover the setting for the action and key themes from the forthcoming thriller. “Dan’s new novel is largely set in Washington, D.C., though it’s a Washington few will recognize,” said Jason Kaufman, Brown’s longtime editor. “As we would expect, he pulls back the veil– revealing an unseen world of mysticism, secret societies, and hidden locations, with a stunning twist that long predates America.”

Thoughts:

Let me begin by saying that I’ve never read a Dan Brown novel before this. Being a Tom Hanks fan (for the most part), I have seen the movies based on the first two Robert Langdon adventures, but this is the first time I’ve been exposed to the character in print.

I’m glad The Lost Symbol was the first Brown/Langdon book I read; I find the symbolism (symbology?) of Washington, D.C. and the Freemasons much more engaging than that of the Illuminati or the Priory of Scion. This was a quick read for me. It was hard to put the book down once I started reading, and I ended up finishing it in two days.

Even though I haven’t been exposed to the print version of Angels & Demons or The Da Vinci Code, I definitely sense a pattern to the way Brown’s stories unfold. It goes a little something like this:

• A knowledgeable old man is accosted, sparking events with Grave International Implications
• We are introduced to our robed antagonist, performing an ancient, perhaps slightly barbaric, ritual
• Robert Langdon is called/duped into action
• Langdon gets in over his head
• Langdon joins up with a dark-haired female that happens to be an expert in all the areas pertinent to the investigation that he lacks knowledge
• Hidden message decoding and espionage antics ensue
• The robed antagonist is foiled at the last possible moment in an immensely satisfying climax
• Langdon reaches a philosophical conclusion about humanity and all the secrets he just helped uncover

This is not to say Brown’s formula is a bad thing. The resulting stories seem to increase in complexity with each new application. The Lost Symbol feels like the most refined Langdon story so far. The plot kept me engaged and the plot twists took me by surprise, yet still seemed apparent and well foreshadowed in retrospect. The setting, along with all of its history and architecture, is meticulously researched and detailed.

The God Angle of course makes an appearance, but not in such an overt way this time. One of the main themes of the story is the fusion of disparate scientific and religious theories by way of new scientific breakthroughs (they weigh the human soul at one point, one of my favorite parts of the book). This scientific point of view, coupled with one of the most compelling and rational ways of interpreting the Bible I’ve ever heard, incorporates religion into the storyline in a way I found superior to the two previous stories.

If you’ve read the previous Langdon stories, you’re already a Dan Brown fan and you probably own a copy of this book. If you’re like me, though, read The Lost Symbol and you’ll finally see why Brown’s stories always seem to cause months of lively conversation and History Channel specials.

The Death of Bunny Munro – Nick Cave

Summary:

Twenty years after the publication of his first novel, And the Ass Saw the Angel, Nick Cave brings us the final days of Bunny Munro, a salesman in search of a soul. Set adrift by his wife’s suicide and struggling to keep some sort of grasp on reality, Bunny Munro drives off in his yellow Fiat Punto, Bunny Jr. in tow. To his son, waiting patiently in the car while he peddles beauty wares and quickies to lonely housewives in the south of England, Bunny is a hero, larger than life. But Bunny himself seems to have only a dim awareness of his son’s existence, viewing his needs as a distraction from the relentless pursuit of sex, alcohol, and drugs. When his bizarre road trip shades into a final reckoning, Bunny realizes that the revenants of his world—decrepit fathers, vengeful ghosts, jealous husbands, and horned psycho-killers—lurk in the shadows, waiting to exact their toll. At turns dark and humane—and with all the mystery and enigma fans will recognize as Cave’s singular vision—The Death of Bunny Munro questions the nature of sin and redemption, and lays bare the imprints that fathers leave on their sons.

Thoughts:

“Oh, Bunny … you fucking liar …” His wife’s last words to him, and a perfect summary of this book.

Nick Cave has written a truly twisted tale that manages to make the reader squirm and cringe, maybe even get a little sick to the stomach, yet unable to put the book down throughout.

Bunny Munro is a singular-minded, deeply flawed character, and this is made quite clear to the reader from the start. I kept expecting the book to turn into a story of redemption long before it actually did simply because of how fast Bunny and his son began falling. As I read I repeatedly found myself thinking it couldn’t possibly get any worse. But, oh no, it does. The redemption portion is reserved only for the last few pages.

The manner in which Bunny and his son’s situation keeps speeding downhill is very well-paced. Events and insight are placed at just the right moments, further revealing aspects of the characters and story. As the book progresses, so does the reader’s understanding of just how disturbed the title character is. The depths of his depravity continue to reveal themselves right up to the belated climax.

A few aspects of the writing style did annoy me though. The author overuses the phrase “or something,” placing it at the end of every thought his characters have that could be construed as even remotely insightful or certain. Along with that, we have an overuse of the word “and,” used to join separate actions or thoughts, often unrelated, into big, awkward, paragraph-length sentences. These quirks were most likely meant to emphasize the lost and disorganized feeling of the characters and their state of mind, but the story does a fine job of that on it’s own. Being beaten over the head with syntax and grammar to boot just felt unnecessary.

The writing may have came off as a bit mechanical and simplistic at times, but it did little to detract from the story and its moral. Overall, The Death of Bunny Munro is quick and easy, and seriously fucked-up. If nothing else, one thing’s for sure: after reading it, you won’t be able to look at Kylie Minogue, Avril Lavigne, or Big Macs the same way ever again.

Stefon Harris and Blackout – Urbanus

The Lowdown: Stefon Harris and Blackout make their Concord Jazz debut with the highly anticipated release of Urbanus, available August 25^th 2009. Heralded as “one of the most important young artists in jazz” (The Los Angeles Times) Stefon Harris brings to Concord Jazz the passionate artistry and astonishing virtuosity that have propelled him into the forefront of the current jazz scene. Urbanus features Blackout, a scintillating ensemble as versed in modern jazz as it is with rhythms, melodies and soundscapes associated with R&B, pop, hip-hop and funk.

The sound is very interesting and impressive, but at times it did get annoying. I have no idea why, but in parts of some songs it was as if they stole Peter Frampton’s talk box, and just started going apeshit with it. This kinda got on my nerves cause it didint really flow with the music. A handfull of songs sounded pretty traditional, but most of them were of a new urban acid jazz type. I have to say…I wasint totally discouraged and will most likely listen to it a couple more times at least.

I Sell the Dead (2008)

The Plot: In this winner of the Slamdance Film Festival Best Cinematography Award, an 18th-century grave robber facing the guillotine confesses his sins to a priest, revealing a life filled with supernatural high jinks. Directed by Glenn McQuaid, the macabre comedy stars Dominic Monaghan as the doomed digger and Ron Perlman as the cleric, and the supporting cast includes Larry Fessenden as the robber’s ghoulish cohort.

The music was very fitting to this type of flim. The opening song kinda reminded me of the opening music of ‘The Re-Animator’, It set a great mood to start the film off with. There was some other Irish drinking song used in the bar scene that made me want to drink a pint or ten. Other then that, some background music here and there set up the scenes well.

The cinematography was fun to watch, mostly due to a couple of nice tricks with the camera that I haven’t seen done much in other movies. The film quality looked a bit grainy, I’m not sure if this was intentionally done, but it really added to the overall feel of the movie. A lot of dissolves were used throughout the picture to keep the story flowing along.

The acting was excellent. Dominic Monaghan portrayed the witty grave robbing bastard with seemingly little effort while Ron Perlman did the sarcastic, gallows humored holy man justice. The chemistry between the two of them conversing was interesting enough to hold your attention. Larry Fessenden had a filthy look with an accent to match. As some of the accents spoken by the characters are so authentically thick, you need to pay close attention or you’ll miss out.

The effects impressed me with quality sets, costumes, and top notch makeup. I could have done without the CGI’d throwing knife in one scene. It wasn’t too bad but it did take away just a little something from a great movie. There was another CGI scene that was good…but the shots were so prolonged that it showed too many flaws. All the undead looked awesome…really dusty old and crusty corpse’s that were a great treat to watch on film.

Overall: I did enjoy watching this movie. It was like a Hammer film with some traces of ‘Evil Dead 2’ mixed into it. The slap stick humor made for some good chuckles at times. At other times, the dialog did start going flat, but was saved by a much needed scene change. If you like a little humor with your horror, this would be a good fit…you sick wanka.

3 ½ Out of 5 Crom’s

The Baader Meinhof Complex A.K.A: Der Baader Meinhof Komplex (2008)

The Plot: Uli Edel directs this Boring Foreign Language Film Oscar nominee charting the birth of West Germany’s Red Army Faction, a radical whiney bunch of left-wing terrorists formed in the late 1960s amid a climate of revolution and a fallen generation. Staging a series of bombings, kidnappings and assassinations, the RAF waged a war against fascism with a direct assault against the powers of American imperialism and the fledgling German democracy.

The music was very high paced, even with some slower plodding scenes; this gave a sense of urgency in the parts of the film that needed it. In a strange way it almost reminded me of the recurring theme music from “The Untouchables” movie.

The cinematography was well done in my opinion. The angles were mostly your standard, decent quality film, but what I really loved was the picture quality. It gave me flashbacks of all those classic 60’s flicks with its slightly faded look. This was one of the better qualities of the movie.                                                                                                               

The acting was good for the most part. Most of the film language was in German with English subtitles, so it was a little difficult to really pin point the quality of the acting. With this type of film you have to rely on the body language, and from what I saw it was very convincing.

The effects were few and far between in this movie, unless you count topless scenes as an effect. In that case this is your type of movie since most of the girls in it are naked for about 1/4 of the film. A few bombings and assassinations show some action, but nothing to write home about.

Overall this movie tended to drag on, and on for me. You’ll want to do some research on the Red Army Faction if your even thinking about watching this. The director pulls no punches in getting right into it the storyline without much leading up, but then stalls a few times making me wish that the government would just over throw these rebels already and end this film. You also might not even want to watch it since its political message is very strong and tends to lean hard to the left. I found myself not really caring for the main characters due to not agreeing with there methods, and in turn, it made the movie longer. If you are attracted to political revolutionary causes then maybe you’ll dig this more then I did. Otherwise you might want to skip this snoozer.

2 Out of 5 Crom’s

1800 Select Silver Tequila

Product: 1800® Select Silver is a new kind of Tequila:  100 Proof, double distilled and blended with a touch of aged tequila. It’s got enough gravitas to impress any true Tequila fan. Try 1800® Select Silver and Change The Game!

Break Down: I was put to the task of reviewing this product, and although I myself do not enjoy tequila, I couldn’t pass this opportunity up for the simple fact that i love alcohol. Because I don’t enjoy the taste of tequila, I decided that it would only be fair to have a mixed group for a taste test. The following review consists of a handful of people, some that enjoy tequila and others do not. Lets see how 1800 Select Silver Tequila held up to this crowd…

• Name: Mike
  
• Likes Tequila? “Fuck Yeah”
  
• Reaction to Smell: “Smells like tequila”
• Reaction to Sip: “Doesn’t burn very much. Its kinda smooth. Tastes pretty good.”
  
• Reaction to Shot: “I like it, I like it.”

• Name: Linda
  
• Likes Tequila? “After I’ve had a couple, or in a margarita”
  
• Reaction to Smell: “Smells like tequila”
  
• Reaction to Sip: “Tastes like tequila pretty much”
  
• Reaction to Shot: “Tastes good, I need a couple more beers with it, but we’re good.”

• Name: Craig
  
• Likes Tequila? “Not really, but Ill give it a try”
  
• Reaction to Smell: “Smells like tequila, but not that strong”
  
• Reaction to Sip: “Doesn’t burn going down”
  
• Reaction to Shot: “Starts off strong, goes down smooth”

• Name: Dan
  
• Likes Tequila? “I hate it”
  
• Reaction to Smell: “The aroma is not pungent at all for a 100 proof tequila.”
  
• Reaction to Sip: “I don’t drink tequila, so that’s like…ehhhhh…not good”
  
• Reaction to Shot: (Makes shuttering motion and force feeds himself lemon slices.) “Jesus”

Elsewhere (2009)

The Plot: Jillian (hot chick of Still Waiting fame) & Sarah (I don’t know who she is at all) are a mismatched pair of teenage girls in a small town off the coast of East Bumblephukke, Indiana on the planet ThisMovieSuxAnus located in the universe BeeelowMe. Goth girls and the like full of teen angst have gone missing over the years (they will not be missed) and when Sarah’s shallow friend Jillian becomes one of the unfortunate cybersex victims, she teams up with an unsuspecting Google geek named Jasper (I had a dog named Jasper, he had more personality) and uses him to find her friend and the others. The movie is filmed to give you the impression that something of supernatural origin is the antagonist, (with Tool music video effects and lighting that will send epileptic’s everywhere into a fit), but the reality is far more lackluster.

The music was used few and far between, it relied solely on the dialogue and acting to set the mood. When it was played it was softly dark and ominous, the stuff of a Saturday afternoon ‘USA Network ‘movie.

The cinematography was okay for the genre and met my expectations for a movie of this caliber. (And that ain’t sayin’ much.)

The acting didn’t seem to be a stretch for the cast, they probably have been in character all their teen years, and it wouldn’t surprise me. At the very least they have gone to school with the types portrayed and it is very easy for them to mimic. I found it painful to watch because I have a 15 year old who tries her damndest to be something that she’s not, so it’s all too familiar.

The effects were a sham because, again, this movie had nothing to do with how it was portrayed. There was no evil cult of Satan worshippers, no rip in the gateway between Hell and Earth, etc., So congratulations cameraman for finding the Evil Dead macro button on the underbelly of the camera, but it wasn’t needed for this movie.

Overall: this movie was not even worthy of the Blu Ray format. So I got to see a piss poor plot and Pine Bush High acting in high definition. Big frickin whoop. In the immortal words of Gorilla Monsoon, “Gimme a break, Brain.”

1 out of 5 “Hiya Georgie’s”

Baby on Board (2008)

The Plot: Power couple Angela (Heather Graham) and Curtis (Jerry O’Connell) have a seemingly flawless marriage, but a surprise pregnancy could end up turning their carefully ordered world upside down in this sad attempt at humor. Between their annoying as all hell best friends (John Corbett and Katie Finneran) and Angela’s botox boss (Lara Flynn Boyle), the perfect pair could end up imploding before the bundle of joy’s even born.

The music was some kind of annoying shitty jazz/bass fusion that played after almost every scene. If it wasn’t that, it was the lame piano music from hell at any given tender moment. Toss in some no name cock rock songs and you have yourselves a bad sound track.

The cinematography was your usual single placement camera angles that seem to work with this type of movie. I can’t say that it’s bad or great, but it was ok for the most part and I’m getting tired ripping on this flick.

The acting landed flat in this poor attempt at cinema. When the, so-called, comedy is mixed with awkward arguments that someone thought was funny, it never turns out good. The lines seemed forced and I’ve seen better drama in movies played during my 8^th grade health class.

The effects were kinda lame, even for a comedy. The saggy balls site gag looked like a dogs chew toy.

Overall: First off, let me just start by saying that Jerry O’Connell is the poor mans Jason Bateman, and this movie was the poor mans “Knocked Up”.  It just didn’t have much going for it right from the start, and never picked up. I could see a chick thinking that this movie was “Cute”, but that about it.

1 ½ Out of 5 Crom’s