Elsewhere (2009)

The Plot: Jillian (hot chick of Still Waiting fame) & Sarah (I don’t know who she is at all) are a mismatched pair of teenage girls in a small town off the coast of East Bumblephukke, Indiana on the planet ThisMovieSuxAnus located in the universe BeeelowMe. Goth girls and the like full of teen angst have gone missing over the years (they will not be missed) and when Sarah’s shallow friend Jillian becomes one of the unfortunate cybersex victims, she teams up with an unsuspecting Google geek named Jasper (I had a dog named Jasper, he had more personality) and uses him to find her friend and the others. The movie is filmed to give you the impression that something of supernatural origin is the antagonist, (with Tool music video effects and lighting that will send epileptic’s everywhere into a fit), but the reality is far more lackluster.

The music was used few and far between, it relied solely on the dialogue and acting to set the mood. When it was played it was softly dark and ominous, the stuff of a Saturday afternoon ‘USA Network ‘movie.

The cinematography was okay for the genre and met my expectations for a movie of this caliber. (And that ain’t sayin’ much.)

The acting didn’t seem to be a stretch for the cast, they probably have been in character all their teen years, and it wouldn’t surprise me. At the very least they have gone to school with the types portrayed and it is very easy for them to mimic. I found it painful to watch because I have a 15 year old who tries her damndest to be something that she’s not, so it’s all too familiar.

The effects were a sham because, again, this movie had nothing to do with how it was portrayed. There was no evil cult of Satan worshippers, no rip in the gateway between Hell and Earth, etc., So congratulations cameraman for finding the Evil Dead macro button on the underbelly of the camera, but it wasn’t needed for this movie.

Overall: this movie was not even worthy of the Blu Ray format. So I got to see a piss poor plot and Pine Bush High acting in high definition. Big frickin whoop. In the immortal words of Gorilla Monsoon, “Gimme a break, Brain.”

1 out of 5 “Hiya Georgie’s”

Dark Reel (2007)

 

The Plot: When a strung out looking B-movie fan Adam Waltz (Edward Furlong) wins a walk-on role in a low-budget pirate flick starring scream queen Cassie Blue (Tiffany Shepis), his ticket to fame suddenly becomes a ticket to terror when the chaotic set becomes the scene of a real-life murder. Lance Henriksen and Rena Riffel co-star in this Josh Eisenstadt-helmed tale based on the fictional unpublicized crime scene footage of the 1958 murder of actress Scarlett May.

 

The music didn’t seem to fit the movie. It didn’t feel right during the black and white flashback scene in the beginning, which was subtle but very modern for a scene that is supposed to be set in the 50’s. The rock band playing in the club scene was borderline unbearable and the rest of the film had some random incoherent drone tones that made little to no sense.

 

The cinematography was kind of shabby. In the flashback scene they tried and failed to make the film look grainy and old. It came off looking like modern film that was shopped to appear old, but you could see right through that trick. The editing didn’t streamline the cuts together seamlessly enough so the acting and special effects suffered with awkward pauses and fake looking props.

 

The acting ranged from standard to utter shite. Some of the lines sounded way to forced, and gave the movie a lame feel overall. The two cops, one of them played by Tony Todd, had some of the worst lines in the movie. They made it feel as if they were over acting on purpose, which is a concept that I cannot grasp at all. Some of this was directly affected by some seriously piss poor writing.

 

The effects looked very bush league. From plastic limbs to watery blood, if the editing was better it could have created a better illusion then that. The ghost effects used looked so terrible I’m convinced they would have looked better if this were a Sci-Fi Original Picture.

 

Overall I’m not sure what to think about a B movie that is trying to make fun of how bad B movies are. A majority of the characters were annoying, Furlong looks like he should be checked into a methadone clinic, and it failed to scare in general. The entire timeline of the story was fucked and did not fit at all. The bottom line is they could have made a much better film with some rewrites, proper editing, and some good old fashion elbow grease.

 

1 Out of 5 Crom’s

Let the Right One In A.K.A: Låt Den Rätte Komma In (2008)

 

The Plot: Twelve-year-old Oskar (Kåre Hedebrant), the constant target of bullies due to his extreme awkwardness, spends his time plotting revenge and collecting news items about the grisly murders plaguing his town. Things change for Oskar when he meets Eli (Lina Leandersson). This filthy looking girl befriends Oskar, and he soon finds out that she’s actually a fucking vampire. As a serial killer continues to prey on teenage boys in the small village outside Stockholm, Sweden, Eli helps Oskar find the courage to stand up to his tormenters.

 

The music was mood setting…and that mood was depression. It set the tone for the down mood that the main character was feeling during most of the film. I enjoyed this cause in a way it changed my views to that of the characters even more.

 

The cinematography was done really well in my opinion. There was a grainy feel to the film and the setting was very somber. This gave the movie a similar feel as “The Shining” which I loved. All the shots were steady and clear, this is something that’s hard to find these days. I’m sick of this music video bullshit in most horror flicks where the camera shakes like crazy and you can’t see shit.

 

The acting was superior for a horror movie. Both Kåre and Lina play there roles flawlessly. They make this unreal situation believable and just draw you in as the plot progresses. Their chemistry is so good that even when the movie is slow at parts in the first half, you cant help but want to find out what’s gonna happen next.

 

The effects were top shelf for sure. This movie has numerous effects that are all amazing. One of the best effects in the movie, in my opinion explains something that I have always wondered about in regards to the vampire mythos, but I have never seen described on film. What happens if a vampire enters a home without permission? I can’t give it away and tell you what does actually happen according to the filmmaker, but it’s defiantly worth the watch…trust me.

Overall this was an excellent movie. There was a scene that was very disturbing and almost unnecessary in the film, which is explained in detail in the novel. I suggest reading up on it after watching the film so that you can tie everything up and not spoil the film. Other then that, the first half of this movie has a slow, plodding pace. I was thinking of giving it 3 Crom’s at the halfway point. Then, after watching the ending it earned the 4^th Crom hands down.

 

4 Out of 5 Crom’s